An Idiot in the Akatsuki
by heroesfan112
Summary: Major crack-fic, a result of going-with-the-flow-style fanfiction writing. Character bashing, ridiculousness, and apples. I love apples 3.
1. Chapter 1

An Idiot in the Akatsuki

Once upon a rip in the space-time continuum, a naïve and sanity-in-question (should fit right in…) dude in his early 20's was teleported into the Naru-verse with 2 pistols with infinite ammo. Yeah, it'd be best just to picture dual Desert Eagles from Left 4 Dead. And, unfortunately for the good guys in the Naru-verse, our guy is teleported into a village in the middle of an Akatsuki raid type of thing for supplies. So the guy- let's just call him Dylan Cole, or DC for short, the first name that popped into my head, is flat on the ground, feeling like Lindsay Lohan on a Sunday morning, when suddenly a random thug, who realizes he should loot what he can before escaping the madness, tries to mug DC. BANG! And what have we learned if nothin' else children? Homie don't play that! So Deidara, the blonde metrosexual pyromaniac, saw this and he instantly adored the idea of miniature hand cannons, goes over to recruit DC. And luckily for both of them, this is the English dubbed version, though not the Disney XD version *shudders*.

"Well hellooo new friend!" said Deidara, "Me and a few of my *ahem* associates could use a man of your….talents" ;)

"Whoa! Listen buddy, I don't know if I'm givin' off signals or somethin', but I don't swing that way!"

Puzzled, Deidara explained, "No no! I meant you should join our organization of rogue ninjas."

"Oh. Well why didn't you just say that! I love ninjas! Except the ones that try to kill me, but that doesn't happen too often when I'm sober. What does your organization do? Take on various jobs for fitting prices, such as being a bodyguard, assassinations, stealing or forging important documents, or spying?"

"Oh my no, we kidnap people with powerful demons inside them one by one so we can take over the world." Said Deidara, who was now seeming more sinister, growing a fake evil mustache and twirling it around his finger accordingly.

"Well…I don't know….what kinds of benefits are there?"

"You mean besides ruling the world?

"Yeah."

"Well….erm...what would you think we have?"

"OH! A hot tub with bikini chicks, a root beer dispenser in every room, a company monster truck, free wi-fi, a soundproof room for guitar/drums/excessive cussing, and Mr. Miyagi as my personal karate instructor!" :3 he finished breathlessly

"Oh that's all? Of course we have all that!" ^_^ Deidara falsely assured our….um…protagonist?

"Then when do I start?" DC said eagerly.

"How about next week? You can stay in my apartment with Tobi while I'm busy setting up some completely unrelated renovations to our hideout- er I mean headquarters."

To be continued….


	2. 2 Zetsu, Tobi, and Dinner

An Idiot in the Akatsuki, Chapter 2: Tobi, Zetsu and Dinner.

So one week after DC meets Deidara and realizes the dangers of hanging out with someone who like blowing everything up, he receives a letter at the house that was given to him in an adventure that took place in the week between the first chapter and this one (a story for another day…) . Anyway, the letter stated that he was to meet Zetsu at the rendezvous point.

_Rendezvous point?_ He thought. _Where the hell could that be?_

Then, he flipped the paper over to reveal a brochure for the area's most renowned water-park, Rendezvous Point.'

_That's probably just a coincidence_ He thought as he scanned the rest of the paper. His doubt withered when he saw the Akatsuki logo on the bottom of the brochure, with _An Akatsuki Hideout Cover-up_ beneath it. _Aren't these guys supposed to be a secret?_

He packed his bag to leave, grabbed his swimming trunks and an alligator and headed to the water park to meet Zetsu. _The letter says the guy is like a plant…he's probably just a stoner_. He rationalized as he locked the door with Simon Cowell still tied up and gagged inside.

2 **Hours Later…**

As he waited at RP for Zetsu, leaned against a tree, he pondered a ponderous thought out loud. "Who would win in a fight to the death between Rebecca Black and Justin Bieber?"

"**Everyone…" **a voice in bold print said, his face appearing in the tree he was leaning against.

"Who said that? Was it my nemesis, Craig the evil living trash can?"

"It is…us, Zetsu the bipolar tree!"

"Meh. Makes about as much sense as Inception. So I'm supposed to follow you to Deidara's house? He said the real HQ was being renovated."

"Oh, you're the guy we were supposed to lead! we accidentally led like 8 other people to his house!"

"So what happened to them?"

"Oh, we ate them." He said casually.

"Ah…Well then…this is awkward…to Deidara's!"

"Wait, where'd your alligator go?"

"It went looking for the nearest source of food and water." DC explained as cries of terror and agony resonated from the people filled water-park. "By the way, we should leave…NOW."

**Another 2 hours later…**

"…and then THAT guy tasted like a mushroom-y pizza, but that's impossible, because we were at a sushi bar. So, that was my 8th birthday, how was yours like?"

"Oh, y'know."

"Cool. Well, here we are, Deidara's-" BOOM! Suddenly, a wall from the house had exploded.

"I forgot to mention it's Deidara's turn to cook dinner." Zetsu elaborated.

"Does the recipe include a pipe bomb?" DC said.

"No, although he does try to get creative every now and again."

As they walked in through the hole in the wall, they noticed a guy with an orange spiral mask with one eyehole hiding behind one of the sides of the counter, avoiding the explosion.

"Is it safe?"

"What have I told you, Tobi?" Zetsu said, trying to comfort him. "It's safe. It's very safe."

"So Deidara won't cause anymore explosions?"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Tobi, that'll only happen when he's dead." Zetsu warned, unaware of the bombs Deidara had placed in random places everywhere set to detonate when he died. "Now Tobi, we have a new member in the Akatsuki, show some hospitality!" Zetsu commanded, escorting them to the living room.

"HI! I'm Tobi but I'm secretly-" he began, but was quickly interrupted by Zetsu.

"Tobi, no spoilers!"

Tobi sat down, pouting, and then shot up suddenly. "Do you want one of our cool cloaks? It's got a cloud on it, bound to strike fear into your enemies! And it comes with a free frogurt!" Tobi offered.

"That's cool!" DC exclaimed, "Pun intended."

"But the frogurt is cursed."

"That's bad."

"But you get to choose from 8 different toppings!"

"That's good!"

"The topping are also cursed."

"Isn't this already a Simpsons joke?" DC said, recognizing it from Treehouse of horror.

"I'm going to my room!" Tobi cried, running up the stairs.

"DEIDARA!" a British voice roared from the kitchen. "This steak is still %#&!&$#%-ING RAWWWW!"

"I know that voice…" DC said, walking stealthily into the kitchen.

_It is!_ He thought. "Gordon Ramsay, of Hell's Kitchen!" He exclaimed, getting his pistols from their holsters. "I'm such a fan! Sadly…" _Aim… "_THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!" He yelled, unloading into the chef.

_**To Be Continued!**_


End file.
